Things have really turned around for me these past couple of weeks, I don't have to deal with the psycho ex anymore, my new roommate kicks ass, I'm seeing this new guy that I've actually known for years and he is really great and we're keeping it really casual for now because I am not ready to jump into another relationship, I've tried writing a little bit more, I haven't been too successful in that area but I think if I keep trying something good will come of it. The only thing that I really have to complain about is that it's been slow at work and since I work mostly off of comission it effects my paycheck. People at work and my family have told me that there is a major difference in my attitude, I just seem so much happier now, and the truth is that I am! I don't think I've felt this happy and free in a long time. Now that my mind has had a chance to relax and not be stressed out I've been thinking a lot about my addiction which is getting another tattoo. I want one so bad I can hardly stand it! I have general idea of what I want my next one to be. It's either going to be my astrology symbol with ivy wrapping around it on my right deltoid or it's going to be a floral vine going up my entire right side, I may have it go up to the tip of my scapula or just stop right below, I haven't figured that out yet. I've been looking at tattoos on the net and have gotten some good ideas for the side tattoo but I may just take it into the tattoo shop and have the guy design it.

Tonight is the first I have felt inspired to do anything creative in a very long time. And I am proud of the result, now if only I could direct this creativity towards my writing then I might actually get somewhere with my Crow story. Ah well, soon enough.

I just love it when my ex tells me just about every day how much he loves me and cares for me and needs me in his life, and I keep telling him the same thing that I don't want to get back together with him because I'm afraid he's just going to keep hurting me. So he says he's going to keep asking me every day until I change my mind. Then I go out to the bar and meet some friends that I haven't seen in a long time and he gets mad at me the next day when I tell me I don't want him to sleep over because I would prefer to catch up on my sleep so he threatens to fuck me over and not give me the money that he owes me when I told him last week that I desperately needed it and what's his response? "I got you" Bullshit!! I can't stand this bipolar shit anymore, one minute he's all like I need you in my life, you hold me together, then the next minute he's wishing we were never introduced. Well fuck! I didn't know I was so intolerable for him to wish he never knew and that he basically regrets our relationship. It shit like that make me not even want him in my life anymore in any way, shape or form! We have a phone plan together and I'm worried that he's really going to fuck me over when it comes to that and on top of that I'm worried that he's going to fuck with my car because he a mechanic and could easliy do something to my car. And what sucks is there is no where that I can keep my car where he won't be able to get to it. I really would not have had a problem with us staying friends but if its going to be like this where I need to worry about this shit when he's not happy with me and the rest of the time I have to deal with feeling guilty for not taking him back. You'd think that if he really did want to be with me then he wouldn't have broken up with me so many times and been such an asshole to me! Who knows maybe it's a control thing, maybe he just likes having control over me or something. I know whenever I do something he drills me until he knows every detail but when I ask him about shit that he's doing he always gives me vague answers and then gets irriated with me for asking. I can't take the fucking mind games anymore! I realize he can't always help it because he's bipolar but for fucks sake, enough is enough!

So this has been another wonderful year so far. I've lost my best friend of 14 years, my parents got divorced, the economy is taking a toll on my career so I'm making very little money, and today I was dumped by the guy I've been with for over a year. We lived toegether and everything but suddenly things got too hard or something and he decided to start putting me at the bottom of his priorities list then decided I was low enough on that list to cut out of his life. I have not been having a whole lot of luck lately, hopefully things turn around soon. I've tried doing things to make this year go better but I don't know how good my efforts have been. I bought a kitty from pet world and got a kitten from my aunt so I have to cats now, I have a new roommate and he seems pretty cool so far, hopefully it stays that way. I don't know why I'm having such bad luck when it comes to men, I know I screwed up with probably the best relationship I'll have and maybe that has caused me to be so desperate to find someone who loves me and cares for me as much as I do them. But I'm pretty sure that these past couple relationships going wrong have not been my fault but who knows, maybe I'm just not a good girlfriend. I try to be. Tony says he regrets his decision already but he's broken up with me 7 times already and frankly I can't take the mind games anymore, my Mom has been trying to get me to get over him for the longest time now and I really wish I would've listened to her, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much right now. Guys always ask me why women go for assholes, well I've dated two major assholes, one of which really fucked me over, and I still don't know the answer to that question. Maybe it's the badboy factor, maybe it's because some of the really attractive ones who are great on the surface turn out to be major assholes in the long run and by the time us women figure it out we've already fallen for them and it's become to difficult for us to let go. Even though Tony has broken up with me 7 times already I still can't give a 100% guarantee that I won't take him back even though I know I shouldn't. But it's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does. Hopefully this time my brain will outweigh my heart, since following my feelings have not always given me the best results I'm going to try my hardest to listen to my conscience.
To help me feel better my new roomie has bought me a bottle of hypnotic and it's already starting to kick in because I haven't really eaten today, so I apologize if this journal is long and pointless but it was a way for me to vent a little. And to finish off I want to end with a quote that I found, I really have no idea who it's from so please don't ask.

"He holds me when I start to cry. Makes me smile with just his eyes. Shares my hopes, dreams, and fears. Wipes away all my tears. I love him without regret. I just haven't found him yet."

So I entered this modeling competition and in order to get anywhere I need people to vote for me. For those who are going to vote I should warn you that the website is incredably frustrating and I don't know how I'm going to get any votes at all because the website is so retarted. But I would greatly appreciate it if you would try and if you succeed THANK YOU!!! So yeah, please vote for me: [link]